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Impossible to Please |
A group of girlfriends is on
vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that
reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their
boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it
works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you
find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy
to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's
inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign
reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The
friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next
floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are
short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the
friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men
here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are
still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here
are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are
going in when they realize that there is still one floor
left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to
the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here.
This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to
please a woman." |
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From A
Mother With Love |
Dear Child,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read
fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within
20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family
that lived here took the house numbers when they left so
that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm
not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't
seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last
week, The first time it rained for three days and the second
time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your
Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in
the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put
them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral
home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's
grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car
yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to
get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out
what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an
uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name
it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried
to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had
him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.
Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to
safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned
because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has
happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was
already sealed. |
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Electric
Train |
A few days after Christmas, a
mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She
heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of
bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is
the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are
getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going
down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that
kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your
room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come
out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use
nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and
resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and
the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are
disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of
your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us
today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you
will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy
continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to
stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember,
there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of
you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see
the bitch in the kitchen." |
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Billing |
A doctor and a lawyer were
talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people
describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free
medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the
lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for
legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send
them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor
prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill
from the lawyer.
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Advantages Of Being A Woman |
Why it's better to be a
Woman!
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always
return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our
computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous.
Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the
central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life
insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the
point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks
we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever
taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching
her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure
our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit
in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having
to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that
we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether
there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your
problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their
shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to
get out of being lost is to ask for directions. |
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A Really
Bad Day |
There was this guy at a bar,
just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an
hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to
him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all
down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says,
"Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another
drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First,
I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss,
outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car,
I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do
nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I
remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab
driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with
the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just
when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you
show up and drink my poison." |
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A Blonde
Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire |
Regis: "Barbara, you've done
very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a
friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million
dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you
will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own
nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis,
just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in
Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a
Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well
on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read
you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you
have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not
build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on
for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo
...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a
real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for
Barbara."
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down
to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are
sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks
"Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was
the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives
in a clock." |
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10
Husbands, Still a Virgin |
A lawyer married a woman who
had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be
gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept
telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really
sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look
into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything
checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the
system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had
the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process
but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a
new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought
he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or
not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product,
he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk
about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was...
God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really
excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" |
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101 Ways
To Annoy People |
1. Sing the Batman theme
incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual
massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in
public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your
pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder
to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food,
and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark,
17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car
windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep
them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU
think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part
of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue
your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the
listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything
they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers
and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and
see if people play along to avoid the appearance of
ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard,
and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance
with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences,
producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll
be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your
hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink
cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in
a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are
green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI
copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a
"croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every
show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic
parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat
their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute
whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of
someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy
assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you
hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for
their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman
smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to
it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the
bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I
messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the
cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a
Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the
curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one
comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in
co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies
"Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head.
like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of
day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great
glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a
Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing
cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the
faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental
processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary
friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't
rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then
scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic
picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan"
people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties. |
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ABC's of
ex girlfriends |
A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out
because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only
after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things
between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2
children that are little devils and her hips get huge and
his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get
fat and old together and then DIE!!
C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.
D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and
she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her
to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal
at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle
Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains
on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the
next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call
her that week and go see movies.
F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you
can even stand to look at her.
G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a
personality? Well, you figure it out.
I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless
she calls me and offers me favors.
J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have
a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want
to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim.
Jim is my mortal enemy.
K
stands for Kill.
L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists
between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the
last people that actually believe in love.
M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?
O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now
sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for
it.
S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.
T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you
with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an
understatement.
V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were
dating her in the first place.
W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in
while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled
"QUICK! They're home!"
.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because
she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also
means you won't get any for a week. |
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