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| |
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|
|
10 signs your an Internet geek:
|
10. When filling out your driver's license application you
give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is,
instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends
e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them
to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure
they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly
free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer
to your children as "client applications".
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my
domain server".
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out,
"I feel so colon-right parentheses!"
And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!" |
|
|
Bill Gates in Hell:
|
Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for
you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been
selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since
you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you
a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up
forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of
poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to
a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased
about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a
Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face,
sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest
wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without
hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan
locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into
Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him
the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle
has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..."
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing
three keys."
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete." |
|
|
99' little bugs in the code:
|
99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code,....
> (Repeat until BUGS = 0) |
|
|
Computer Terminology:
|
486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete - Any computer you own.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art
computer to become obsolete.
G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times
faster than the computer I bought for the same price a
Microsecond ago."
Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying,
"Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer
salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee
on it. (pronounced "gooey")
Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors
easier to generate.
Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a
computer.
Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen
to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical
deadline.
Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your
software. |
|
|
Before the Desktop:
|
|An application was for employment A program was a TV show A
cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was
something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And
if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you
did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd
be in jail for a while! Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where
a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut -
you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web
was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll
stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear
nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens
they wish they were dead! |
|
|
Ways to tell your online toooo long:
|
|70 Ways To Tell You've Been Online Too Long
1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL".
3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
4. You have called out someone's screen name while making
love to
your significant other.
5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we
can hang out".
6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
7. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks
face-to-
face.
8. You have to get a 2d phone line just so you can call
Pizza Hut.
9. You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail
to let everyone
know you're going to be away.
10. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
11. You no longer type with proper capitalization,
punctuation, or
complete sentences.
12. You have met over 100 AOLers.
13. You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
14. When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll
up!"
15. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the
middle of the
night when your spouse is asleep.
16. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people
won't know
you're on-line again.
17. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines
than you do
your own spouses.
18. You find yourself lying to others about your time
on-line & when they
complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the
hook.
19. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen
name close to
your own.
20. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes
are from
partying too much than the truth (online all night).
21. You change your screen names so much that you have to
look at your
own profile to see who you are.
22. Your kids are standing at your side saying, "Mommy,
please come and
cook" dinner and you would rather type another "LOL".
23. You type messages to people while you are on the phone
with them at
the same time.
24. You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem
involved.
25. Your dog leaves you.
26. You have to ask what year it is.
27. You write a letter like this.. "dear tom, hiyas! how r u
doin well I gotta
go bbl!"
28. You name your pets after people you talk to.
29. You smile sideways...
30. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who
have you on
their buddy list.
31. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had
your ignore
button handy.
32. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.
33. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're
chatting & you
think "uh oh cyber sex perv".
34. You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer
for more
than a few hours.
35. You use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have
one he he he).
36. You take a speed reading course to keep up with the
scrolling.
37. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
38. Your worse comeback to a bully is "I'll slap ya w/a
rubber chicken!"
39. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is
get online
before you have your first cup of coffee.
40. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it
awake.
41. You have your computer set so it goes directly into
AOL's welcome
screen.
42. You don't know where the time has gone.
43. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing
letters by
hand.
44. You get up at 2am to go to the bathroom but turn on the
computer
instead.
45. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
46. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/((hugs)) or
**kisses**.
47. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl,
dunno and
lemme.
48. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave
your s/n &
I will TTYL".
49. You type faster than you think.
50. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now
undergoing
therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.
51. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or
vice versa.
52. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
53. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast
that scrolls up
your TV screen at the end of a movie.
54. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in
your eyes &
fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"
55. You dream in "text".
56. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.
57. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room &
you're really
bored.
58. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.
59. You double click your TV remote.
60. You can now type over 70wpm.
61. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for
AOL junkies.
62. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something
else &
say "BRB" or "BBL".
63. You check your Email and forget you have real mail aka
snail mail.
64. You go into withdrawals during dinner.
65. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say
goodbye to
everyone in a room.
66. You stop speaking in full sentences.
67. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room &
ended
up "giving" tech support to other AOLers.
68. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of
Life".
69. You know what a "snert" is.
70. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner
because you wanted
to check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see
who was
online". |
|
|
Microsoft Vs GM:
|
|At a recent computer expo (1996 COMDEX), Bill Gates
compared the computer industry to the automotive indusrty by
stating: "If GM had kept up with technology like the
computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that
cost $25.00 and get 1,00 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press
release making the following statement: "If we (GM) had kept
up with technology like the computer industry has, we would
all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1) for no reson whatsoever, your car would crash twice per
day.
2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you
would have to buy a new car.
3) Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without
reason. In order to get started again, you would have to
pull off to the side of the road, close all the windowsshut
off the car resart it and open all the windows again. For
some unknown reason, you would simply do this without
question.
4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn,
would cause your car to shut down and refuse to resart, in
which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person could use the car at one time unless you
bought "Car95" or "CarNT", but then you would also have to
buy more seats.
6) The new seats you would need would force everyone to have
the same size butt.
7) You would press the "start" button to shut off the
engine.
8) The oil warning light, water warning light, and
alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single
"Unidentified System Error" light.
9) The air bag would ask ur freshly mangled body "are you
sure" before going off.
10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would
lock you out and refuse to let you back inuntill you
simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned
the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.
11) The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the
passenger side of the car.
12) buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new
set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, dispite the fact that
you niether need nor want them. Attempting to delet this
otion would immediately cause your cars performance to
diminish by 50% or more.
13) every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to
learn to drive all over again because none of the old
controls would function in the new car.
14) Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster,
ten times more reliable and easier to mantain, twice as easy
to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads." |
|
|
Why did Microsoft develop Access?:
|
|To make Excel seem faster. |
|
|
What do spreadsheet developers use for birth
control?:
|
|
|
|
the most frequent question asked by awould-be
spreadsheet consultant
|
|"Would you like fries with that?" |
|
|
How many Microsoft testers does it take to change
a light bulb?:
|
|We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix
the problems. |
|
|
How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take
to change a light bulb?:
|
|Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure
Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere
in the world. |
|
|
How many Microsoft developers does it take to
change a light bulb?:
|
|The light bulb works fine on the system in my office ... |
|
|
Is Windows A Virus?:
|
|No, Windows is not a virus.
Here's what viruses do:
* They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
* Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the
system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
* Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -
okay, Windows does that too.
* Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along
with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does
that, too.
* Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their
system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new
hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are
fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their
authors, are running on most systems, their program code is
fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more
sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug. |
|
|
What Do You Believe In?:
|
|Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane
that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the
great white throne. God addresses Al first.
"Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is
evil and that we need to save the world from CFC's and that
if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a
greenhouse and we'll all die."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with
that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe
in?"
Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the
people. I think people should be able to make their own
choices about things and that no one should ever be able to
tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling
people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good.
Come and sit at my right."
God then address Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you
believe?"
Bill Gates replies, "I believe you're in my chair."
|
|
|
An Airliner:
|
|At a recent software engineering management course in the
US, the participants were given an awkward question to
answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered
that your team of programmers had been responsible for the
flight control software how many of you would disembark
immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat
motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he
would be quite content to stay onboard.
With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to
even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off. |
|
|
Apple Computers:
|
|
I heard this story on the news sometime ago.
Apple had a new computer under development. Their project
name for it was "Carl Sagan" (I don't know why).
When the real Carl Sagan learned about this, he was upset.
He demanded that Apple stop using his name, even for their
private, internal projects.
Apple agreed. They changed the name of the project to
"Butthead Astronomer". |
|
|
2 programmers on a highway:
|
|Two computer programmers are driving on a Highway. They
switch on the radio and there is a warning: Please note that
a car is driving on highway 75 against the traffic. The
programmer near the driver looks at him and says: One? There
are hundreds of them. |
|
|
Brother works for Microsoft:
|
|Dear Editor,
I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was
sentenced to death in the gas chamber.
My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my
two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs.
Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory
where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child
to death.
I love this girl very much and want to marry her.
My problem is this:
Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft?
Sincerely,
Larry |
|
|
Addicted to Internet Porn:
|
|Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn
- During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.
- His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem,
and a tissue dispenser.
- When she wants you to take off your pants, she says,
"Scroll down."
- Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."
- He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.
- Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.
- When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to
click on her."
- You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia
Carrera burned into his corneas.
- As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you
his birthday.
- During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"
- His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a
sheet covering you... he pulls it down slowly for ten
minutes. |
|
|
Heaven And Hell:
|
|In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.
In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price. |
|
|
Great Writer:
|
|There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his
desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff
that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react
to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them
scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. |
|
|
America Offline:
|
|[To the tune of "American Pie"]
A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.
But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they'd deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.
I can't remember if I cried
when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.
And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow?
Well I know you sold the service short
Cause I saw your quarterly report.
Steve Case sold off his stock
It fell just like a rock.
It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
And half their users went away
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Well for two days we've been on our own
And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
But that's not how it used to be
When the mogul came to Virginia court
With an OS icon and a browser port
And a desktop that looked like Apple III.
And while Jim Clark was looking down
The mogul stole his thorny crown
The browser war was turned.
Mozilla...was spurned.
And while Steve left users out to bond
With hosts unable to respond
6 million newbies all were conned
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Da Chronic ducked their software guards
And stole a million credit cards
To use accounts he'd gotten free
And so Steve Case went to the FBI
and he told Boardwatch a little lie
That hackers wanted child pornography
But while Steve Case was looking down
The hackers pulled his e-mail down
They put it on the net.
He can't be trusted yet!
And while user cynicism climbs
At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
They scan their e-mail for "Good Times"
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
The lawyers filed a class-action shelter
Eight million in lawyer's fees.
But it looks like some attorney jibe
an hour if they resubscribe.
To a service marketed for free
Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks
Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.
"Until we bless the suit
The settlement is moot."
"If AOL treats you like the Borg
Then visit aolsucks.org
Before some router pulls the cord..."
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
sold off his home in Tennessee
And headed for a 4-month end.
Was he sad or just incensed
when Case offered him his thirty cents.
Billing is the devil's only friend.
But as I read him on the page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
No "Welcome" born in hell
could ring that chatroom bell.
And as chat freaks cried into the night
CompuServe read their last rites.
I saw Earthlink laughing with delight
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
I met a girl in Lobby 9
And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.
But she just frowned and looked away.
And I went back to the Member Lounge
To see what loyalty I could scrounge
But Room Host said the members went away...
And on the net the modems scream
At faster speeds and data streams.
And not a tear was spoken.
The hourly fees were broken.
And the three men that I hated most
Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost
They couldn't dial up the host
The day the service died. |
|
|
You've been programming too long when:
|
|When you are counting objects, you go
"0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or
32 bits.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine
and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you
chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to
get to the next page.
When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys
/dev/pockets"
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick
up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for
the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your
paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster
than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that
you're doing the math in octal.
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors. |
|
|
Is Windows a Virus:
|
|No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the
system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -
okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along
with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does
that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their
system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new
hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are
fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their
authors, are running on most systems, their program code is
fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more
sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug. |
|
|
The Less You Know, The More You Make:
|
|"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can
never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation
based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches
infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make. |
|
|
Gates and Lightbulb:
|
|Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change the
lightbulb??
A: None. He just calls a meeting & makes darkness the
standard. |
|
|
New Viruses on the loose!:
|
|Oprah Winfrey virus:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then
slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T virus:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are
getting.
MCI virus:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too
much for the AT&T virus.
Politically Correct virus:
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself
as an "electronic microorganism."
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Government Economist virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says
everything is fine.
New World Order virus:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad
just thinking about it.
Federal Bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each
of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to
be the most important part of your computer.
Texas virus:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
Adam and Eve virus:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Congressional virus:
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a
message appearing on each half blaming the other side for
the problem.
Airline virus:
You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian virus:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own
motherboard.
Public Television virus:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
Elvis virus:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs
only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations
across rural America.
Nike virus:
Just does it.
Congressional virus #2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but
doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Star Trek virus:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone
before.
Health Care virus:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends
you a bill for $4,500.
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Computer Quotes:
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|What is a computer's first sign of old age?
Loss of memory.
What does a baby computer call his father?
Data.
What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?
The space bar.
What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk.
Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.
What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness.
To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a
computer.
Computers are not intelligent.
They only think they are.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its
electrical cord. |
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Computer Users:
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|Computer users are divided into three types:
Novice, Intermediate and Expert.
Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a
key might break their computer.
Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their
computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
Expert Users - People who press the keys that break other
people's computers.
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Disney Password:
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|My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their
passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto,"
and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at
least four characters." |
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E-MAIL COMMANDMENTS:
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|Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou
needest.
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.
Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy
message.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.
Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from
work.
Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical
purpose.
When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in
the light of the dawn.
And, the Golden Rule of email:
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not
unto others. |
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