Games16.com - COOL Jokes

Three Kids:

|Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

Grandfather's Advice:

|My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason)

Breakfast at any time.:

|I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Unfaithful Wife:

|A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I wired my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t get your telegram."

Therapy Woe's:

|After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, "No hablo ingles."

Teenagers:

|old now & I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit you to let you see your grandchildren.
.............Your daughter: Jennifer
..
..
..

PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!

Things not to say during sex:

|Things NOT to say during sex!!

1) I have to poop.

2) Smile for the camera!

3) Get off me, i'll do it myself!

4) This is your first time... right?

5) You're almost as good as my ex!

6) When is this supposed to feel good?

7) I thought YOU had the keys to the handcuffs?!

8) I was so horny tonight I would have taken a sheep home.

9) Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.

10) Hey! My friends were right! You ARE good!

11) On second thought, let's turn the lights off.

12) I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!

13) But everybody looks funny naked!

14) Do I have to pay for this?

15) No! You're too fat to be on top. You'd kill me!

16) Actually, your sister likes it like this.

17) What's your name again?

18) Hold on, let me change the channel.

19) It's nice being in bed with someone I don't have to inflate.

20) Uhhhhh... I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.

Cowboy and the Indians:

|A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

How To Tell Where A Driver Is From...:

|One hand on wheel, One hand on horn: CHICAGO.

One hand on wheel, Middle finger out window: NEW YORK.

One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, Cutting across all lanes
of traffic: NEW JERSEY.

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, Foot solidly on accelerator:
BOSTON.

One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling
cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
terror: INDIANA.......but, driving in CALIFORNIA.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to
talk to someone in back seat: ITALY.

One hand on 12oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell
phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, Banging head on steering
wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE.

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both
feet being on the accelerator, and both feet on brake, Throwing
McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS.

Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer
cans on floor, Squirrel tails attached to antenna: OKLAHOMA.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield,
driving 35 on the Interstate, in the left lane with the left blinker
on: FLORIDA.

One hand on the wheel, the other on his sister: ARKANSAS (or WEST
VIRGINIA).

Sisters of St. Francis:

|A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
- 10 MILES -
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
- 5 MILES -

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....
Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
- NEXT RIGHT -
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs,
"Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden
door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

- GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!

The Rooster & The Cat:

|The Rooster & The Cat!

A rooster is walking along one day when he comes to a riverbank with a
big bag of cat food beside it. Uninterested in the bag, he looks over to
the other side and sees a huge bag of chicken feed which instantly makes
his mouth water. Beside the bag of feed is a small cat that is hungrily
eyeing the cat food on his side.

The two look at each other and wonder what to do. The rooster says, "I
know, if we run & jump high enough we should be able to make it to the
other side."

The cat responds "OK, let's give it a try"

The rooster heads back about 15 feet, makes a run for it and jumps as
high as he can. He flaps his wings like crazy and just makes it to the bag
and starts devouring the chicken feed.

The cat, now more motivated than ever, heads back about 20 feet and
makes a run for it. He jumps, and SPLASH! He lands right in the middle of the river.

The Moral of the Story:

For every satisfied cock, there's a wet pussy!

New canadian flag:

|Canada, in view of recent events, will be changing the maple leaf on the flag to a marijuana plant.
That way, the people of Quebec will have good reason to burn the flag.

You Know You're Canadian When::

|You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on two pages, but requires six pages for hockey.

The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars, and drink pop, not soda.

You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing u's from labor, honor, and color.

You know how to say free, prize and no sugar added in French thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.

You know what a toque is.

You've plugged a car in overnight.

You've defended your property from trespassers with a lacrosse stick because you don't own a gun.

Labatt's Brewing Facility:

|A Canadian tourist fell into a beer vat during a tour of the Labatt's Brewing Facility outside of Toronto. Plant officials estimate the tourist drank fifteen gallons of beer before he could be removed from the vat.

tomato joke:

|Q. Why did the tomato turn red?

A. It saw the salad dressing!

I'd pet him frist:

|Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"

The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

blonde joke 2:

|Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.

blonde joke 3:

|Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.

blonde joke 4:

|A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, "It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!"

two Inches:

|Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?"
As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"

blonde joke 5:

|A brunette is trying to get across a river and suddenly she spots a blonde on the other side. She yells over to the blonde "Hey, excuse me! How do I get over to the other side?" And after a quick survey of the river, the blonde calls back "You ARE on the other side!"

a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes:

|There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes
she'd hear at the office. So one evening she went home and
memorized all of the state capitals. Back in the office the next day,
some guy started telling a Dumb Blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes.
I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and
did something probably none of you could do.

I memorized all the state capitals.
One of the guys said, "I don't believe you."
She said, "It's true. Just test me!"
"Okay. What is the capital of Alaska?" he asked.
"A," she answered, smugly.