|
| |
|
|
|
Twas the Month after Chanukah...:
|
'Twas the Month after Chanukah
Twas the month after Chanukah, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibble, the latkas I'd taste
At Chanukah parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine or the egg creams, the bread and the cheese
and the way I'd never said, ''No thank you, please.''
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
and prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as only I can
''You can't spend the winter disguised as a man!''
So... away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of all chocolate, each cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
''Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want to chew only a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet! |
|
|
Sherlock Holmes:
|
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After
a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and
went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful
friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a
minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I
deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and
that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I
suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What
does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you
idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent." |
|
|
Twas the Night After Christmas:
|
|'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the
trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was
camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
Christmas Present
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst
Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife
couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my
wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and
looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn
to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller
named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you
ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff
he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That
might have been me, just what's he look like."
The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a
big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl
full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a
cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister
Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man
I'm describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth
now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell
me what you've seen."
Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it
wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years
in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten,
and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I
thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said
that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and
stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a
freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well
my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta
Red's chimney this feller did run.
And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought
he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I
yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about
his business like he hadn't a care.
So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped
that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I
heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see
ya in court." |
|
|
Santa Hates Your Kid:
|
|8. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream
on, Chester!"
Snowman
7. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
6. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping
and handling.
5. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is
foam packing.
4. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in
his bed.
3. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the
stupid list
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from
Craptown."
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!" |
|
|
The twelve days after Christmas:
|
|The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite
Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup
The four calling birds were a big mistake For their language
was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake and turned my
fingers green.
The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn't lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the
A.S.P.C.A.
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
On the seventh day, what a mess I found The seven
swans-a-swimming all had drowned.
The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming
And sent them back collect
I wrote my true love
"We are through, love!"
And I said in so many words
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!"
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!" |
|
|
Cinderella Wishes:
|
|Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life
with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking
chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a
cat called Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy
Godmother. Cinderella said: 'Fairy Godmother, what are you
doing here after all these years?'
The Fairy Godmother replied: 'Well Cinderella, since you
have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have
decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which
your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some
thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she
uttered her first wish. 'I wish I was wealthy beyond
comprehension.' Instantly her rocking chair was turned into
solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.
Cinderella said 'Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!' The Fairy
Godmother replied 'It is the least I can do. What is your
second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body and
said: 'I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth
again.'
At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and
her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt
stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and
long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through
her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: 'You
have one more wish, what shall you have?'
Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the
corner with fear. 'I wish you to transform my old cat, Alan,
into a beautiful and handsome young man.' Magically, Alan
suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a
boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had
ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the
sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother said: 'Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy
your new life.' With a blazing shock of bright blue
electricity, she was gone.
For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each
other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most
stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked
over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair,
and held her close in his muscular arms.
He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much
as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath,
'I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't
you?' |
|
|
|
