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sister:
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May a weird customs inspector discover a secret compartment
in your sister.
-- Johnny Carson |
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poor joke - kicking a can:
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You are so poor . . .
When you were kicking a can, your friend came by and asked
what you were doing. You said you were moving! |
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inflatable girlfriend:
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A woman who is tired of having a guy hit on her says, "Look
... I'm sorry, but I'm just not your type. I'm not
inflatable" |
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twins:
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When I was born, the doctor took one look at my face, turned
me over and said, "Look ... twins!"
--- Rodney Dangerfield |
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toilet paper:
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Whats dumb? Instructions on toilet paper.
Whats dumber than that? reading them.
Whats even dumber? Reading them and learning something.
Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something
you've been doing wrong. |
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9 Things I Hate:
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|1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the
time.... I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is
yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom
is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the
entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to
the tv and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and
eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't
eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of
course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after
you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
I'm gonna Kick their ass!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see
that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the movies and stare
at the fucking floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't
really give me a choice there, did ya bitch?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it?
If it's new, then there has never been anything before it.
If it's an improvement, then there must have been something
before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is
the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!!
What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has
the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing
here, fuckin' dumb ass? |
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Teacher Comments:
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|The following are purported to be actual comments made by
NYC teachers on their report cards as part of their final
narratives. All teachers were reprimanded, but these are
great!!!
1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and
has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then
consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack", but lacks the plastic
thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's I.Q. reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the
train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be
watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this
child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead. |
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Reincarnation Proved:
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|He's the world's greatest proof of reincarnation-- no one
could get that dumb in just one lifetime. |
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One Track Mind:
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|He has a one-track mind, and the traffic on it is very
light. |
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Sympathetic:
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|He has a very sympathetic face. It has everyone's sympathy. |
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Face Lift:
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|She's had her face lifted so many times, she talks through
her nose. |
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Big Mouth:
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|He has such a big mouth, he can sing a duet all by himself. |
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Barber Cut:
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|Barbers don't charge him for cutting his hair-- they charge
him for searching for it! |
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Light Eater:
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|She's a light eater. As soon as it gets light, she starts
eating. |
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Down The Aisle:
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|When she walked down the aisle with her groom, they had to
walk single file. |
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Not Himself Lately:
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|He hasn't been himself lately. Everyone has noticed the
improvement. |
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Carefree:
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|He's a real carefree guy - he doesn't care as long as it's
free. |
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Tightwad:
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|He's such a tightwad, he won't even spend the time of day. |
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