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blood test:
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Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was
crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for a blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying profusely.
The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I came for a urine test ! |
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water:
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A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes
later:
"Da-ad..." "What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
"Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
"Five minutes later...
"Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of
water?" |
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Blonde Mixup:
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|How do you know when a blondes been having a bad day?
Shes got a tampon behind her ear, and she's lookin 4 her
pencil. |
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What is Sex?:
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|A little boy returning home from his first day at school
said to his mother, "Mum, what's sex?"
His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational
theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all
aspects of the tricky subject.
When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment
form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes,
but how am I going to get all that into this one little
square?" |
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Children's Prayer:
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|Two young boys were spending the night at their
grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their
beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began
praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE...I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...I PRAY
FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother
and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't
deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma
is!" |
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Father's Jokes:
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|It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.
He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the
front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he
says.
"That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what
they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to
the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and
screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this
comes as quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad
to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw;
she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for
the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little
poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost
breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the
front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house,
slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "DAMMIT
DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!" |
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Potential & Reality:
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|A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He
asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the
difference between potential and reality?" His father looks
up, thoughtfully, and says, "I'll demonstrate it for you. Go
ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a
million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and
tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure
out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if
someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with
Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then
with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your
father, but yes, I would." Then he goes to his sister's room
and asks, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would
you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod!
Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've
figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million
bucks, but in reality, we are living with two tramps." |
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Osama's Valentine:
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|Little Josh comes home from first grade and tells his
father that they learned about the history of Valentine's
Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're
Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone
a valentine?"
His father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God
would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well," Josh says, "I thought that if a little American
Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine,
he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and
maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids
saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place
to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't
hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with
newfound pride. "Josh, that's the most wonderful thing I've
ever heard."
"I know," Josh says, "and once that gets him out in the
open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."
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The talking doll:
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|A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night
he's doing a show in a small town called Weipa. With his
dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb
blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on
her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your
stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype
women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have
to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you
who keep women like me from being respected at work and in
the community and from reaching our full potential as a
person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination against not only blondes, but women in
general, and all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the
blonde yells, "You stay out of this,mister! I'm talking to
that little prick on your knee." |
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mommy funny:
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|Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A. "Is that you mommy?" |
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snowpire:
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|Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite. |
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the crazy path:
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|Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path. |
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Jail Joke:
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|Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones. |
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spoiled cow:
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|Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk. |
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voting funning:
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|Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll |
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airplane jump:
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|Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the
airplane?
A. ME!!! |
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snowman funny:
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|Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?
A. In snow banks. |
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sticky stick:
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|Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick. |
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sea-gull joke:
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|Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels! |
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dog joke:
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|Q. What dog keeps the best time?
A. A watch dog. |
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grape into wine:
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|Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A. It let out a little wine! |
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tissue dance:
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|Q. How do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put a little boogey in it! |
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bathroom joke:
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|Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A. At the BP station! |
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skunk joke:
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|Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the
court room?
A. Odor in the court. |
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boat joke:
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|Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved. |
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what did the fish say:
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|Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A. Dam! |
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skeletons fight:
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|Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A. They don't have the guts. |
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