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catch a thief:
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The old adage that "It takes a thief to catch a thief" may
indeed be true.
But these days there's a 3rd thief involved pleading the
case -- the lawyer. |
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two in one grave:
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A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the
little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery
back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever
bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you
think that?"
"The tombstone back there said...
'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'" |
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cross examination:
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A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer
during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-
called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you
have a locker room in the police station - a room where you
change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers
with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your
locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex,
and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that
room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt
recess was called. |
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Beautiful?:
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|There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from
anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his
side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're
beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had
never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple
minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're
cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of
“beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to
‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
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Catfish and Lawyers:
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|What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the
other is just a fish. |
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Engineering in Hell:
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|An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter
checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer --
you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level
of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building
improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty
popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a
sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's
no telling what this engineer is going to come up with
next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a
mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him
up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff,
and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And
just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" |
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Farmer Joe and His Mule:
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|Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident
were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible
for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's
fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were
fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favorite mule Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted.
''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of
the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was
driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the
scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman
on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is
a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By
this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's
answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was
driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and
trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the
side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into
the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I
knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly
after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to
her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her
between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road
with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your
mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you
feeling?'" |
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The Lawyer:
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|A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake.
The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and
their money.
The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted., "We got $25 between
us."
The boss screamed, "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers...
we had $100 when we broke in!" |
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Prostitute:
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|Q: What is the differece between a lawyer and a protitute?
A: The Prostitute will stop screwing you after your dead. |
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Two tigers:
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|The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are
stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear
suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of
the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut
it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they
continue on their way.
After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his
action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said
don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and
they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his
action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with
you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really
am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get
the taste out of my mouth."
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not a penny to charity:
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|A local United Way office realized that the organization
had never received a donation from the town's most
successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions
called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like
to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied,
"First, did your research also show that my mother is dying
after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several
times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled
veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology,
but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident,"
the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her
penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said
simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't
give any money to them, why should I give any to you?" |
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Need a new lawyer:
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|Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer
1. Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of
Budweiser.
2. When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each
other.
3. Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
4. Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
5. A prison guard is shaving your head.
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Knowing the facts:
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|The following is a true story, and this situation
supposedly occurred in a real courtroom.
At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an
exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight
into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember
every single detail of an automobile accident. While the
lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had
honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses
of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest
witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he
was looking forward to his examination of yet another
witness.
"Did you actually see the accident?" he asked.
The witness responded with a polite, "Yes, sir."
"How far away were you when the accident happened?"
"I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches
away from the point of collision."
"Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?" the
lawyer asked, sarcastically, "Do you expect us to believe
that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is
so precise, that months after the accident you can come into
court and give that type of detail?"
The witness was unphased. "Sir, I had a hunch that some
obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and
would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not
give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured
out the exact distance |
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Advice from lawyers:
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|George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air
balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced
balloonists, and Lenny's mind quickly drifted from
navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little
bunny rabbits. Upon realizing that they were lost, George
declared, "Lenny -- we are going to have to lose some
altitude so we can figure out where we are."
George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly
descended below the clouds, but he still couldn't tell where
they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground.
George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location.
When they were low enough, George called down to the man,
"Hey, can you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground
yelledback, "You're in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the
air."
George Called down to the man, "You must be a lawyer." "Gee,
George," Lenny replied, "How can you tell?" George answered,
"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and is
completely useless".
The man called back up to the balloon, "You must be a
client." George yelled back, "Why do you say that?" "Well,"
the man replied, "you don't know where you are, or where you
are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of
planning, and could have avoided it by asking for help
before you acted. You expect me to provide an instant
remedy. The fact is you are in the exact same position you
were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault." |
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Merry Christmas law:
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|Merry Christmas in Legal Terms
Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these
best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially
responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral
celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced
within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious
persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the
religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of
others, or for their choice not to practice religious or
secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally
successful, personally fulfilling, and medically
uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year
(including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but
not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other
cultures). The preceding wishes are extended without regard
to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious
faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of
the wishee(s). |
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Learning a lesson:
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|A prominent lawyer's son dreamed of following in his
father's footsteps. After graduating from college and law
school with honors, he returned home to join his father's
firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and worthy
attorney.
At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his
father's office, and said, "Father, father! The Smith case,
that you always said would go on forever -- the one you have
been toiling on for ten years -- in one single day, I
settled that case and saved the client a fortune!"
His father frowned, and scolded his son, "I did not say that
it would go on forever, son. I said that it could go on
forever. When you saw me toiling on that case for days and
weeks at a time, didn't it ever occur to you that I was
billing by the hour?" |
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Demise of a partner:
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|One day while walking down the street a highly successful
partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she
died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the
Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled
in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely
enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it
this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're
going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in
Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to
spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay
in Heaven", replied the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the
law partner in an elevator and which slowly descended to the
depths of Hell.
When the doors opened, much to her surprise, the woman found
herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful
golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing
in front of her were all her old friends -- including
lawyers that she had worked with who had passed away -- and
they were all dressed in tuxedoes and evening gowns and
cheering for her. They ran up and greeted her warmly, and
they talked about old times.
After an excellent round of golf, and at night they went to
the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and
lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really
nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes
and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she
knew it, her day was over and it was time to leave.
Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on
the elevator back up to Heaven.
The elevator slowly rose, and eventually opened back up at
the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she
spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and
playing the harp and singing. It was very soothing and
peaceful, and she had a great time. Before she knew it, her
24 hours were up.
St. Peter came and got her and said, "So, you've spent a day
in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must
choose your eternity."
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I
never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really
great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
St. Peter escorted the woman back to the elevator and again
she descended to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened
she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered
in filth. Her friends were burning in towers of flame, as
demons prodded them with pitchforks. The Devil came up to
her and welcomed her back.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman. "Yesterday I was
here, and there was a golf course and a country club and we
ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all
there is a wasteland of filth, and all my old friends are
miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were
recruiting you; today you're an associate."
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so materialistic:
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|One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new
car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when
all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and
took of the driver's side door with him standing right
there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter
how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the
same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him
yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH
DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked
the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do
with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are
always so materialistic. All you care about is your
possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm
is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at
his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!" |
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chosen for jury duty.....:
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|A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be
dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think
of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he
decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to
begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial
because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one
look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and
that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!'
So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the
jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer." |
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brief vacations:
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|For three years, the young attorney had been taking his
brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd
finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his
suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why
didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he
cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten
married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my
condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and
decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family
than a lawyer." |
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artificial limb:
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|A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this
creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into
the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is
not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole
individual for an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence
the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can
accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial
limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out. |
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Where do you think lawyers come from?:
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|A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the
physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal
sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor
asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked,
"Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her,
"Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice
anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care
not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked,
"You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied,
"Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?" |
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puzzled lawyer:
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|A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer
friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer
replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it
caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds.
What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that
lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river
overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance
proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how
did you start the flood?" |
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Satan and lawyers:
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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter
checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer --
you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the
gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer
gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as
is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building
improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a
pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the
telephone and asks, "So how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air
conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and
there's no telling what an engineer is going to come up with
next." God replies, "What You've got an engineer? That's a
mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him
up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on
the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up
here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers,
"Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
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some advice:
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|A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their
conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing
their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical
advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked
the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you
for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send
them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it
a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the
doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his
mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. |
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to make sure:
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|A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by
the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around
him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?" A man turns
towards him and says, "We're all clients." "And you ALL came
to pay your respects? How touching." "No, we came to make
sure he was dead."
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to get to Heaven:
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|Three men, a doctor, an accountant and a lawyer are dead
and they appear in front of St Peter. St Peter tells them
that they have to answer one question in order to get to
Heaven. He looks at the doctor and asks, "There was a movie
that was made about a ship that sank after hitting an
iceberg, what was its name?" The doctor answers, "The
Titanic" and he is sent through. He then looks at the
accountant and say, "How many people died in that ship?"
Fortunately the doctor had just watched the movie and he
answers, "1 500!". St Peter sends him through and then
finally turns to the lawyer and commands, in a very heavy
voice, "Name them!". |
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Popes And Lawyers:
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|Popes And Lawyers
Once a Pope and a lawyer died and they went to heaven. So
God came and said, 'Follow me and I will give you your
rooms.'
So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his room. It
was very small with a small bed and a small desk.
'Thank you, thank you my lord,' said the Pope. Then God gave
the lawyer his room, it was big room with a big bed and a
big deck with a pool and pretty woman.
'Mr.God, why do you give all this to me and just that small
room to the Pope?' 'Well, popes, we have them by the dozens,
and lawyers, well, your the first one.' |
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Night At The Barn:
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A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had
car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night
with a farmer.
The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only
have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must
sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the
desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the
barn for one evening." With that he departed to the barn,
and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer
opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful
to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig
in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean
animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few
minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on
the door. "What's wrong?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy
man replies, "I, too, am grateful for your helping us out,
but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are
considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"
That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled
and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later
there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and
tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig
and the cow. |
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My Daddy Is A Lawyer:
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|While two families were waiting in line to see the
Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were
getting acquainted.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a
living?" asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam. |
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