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doctor terminology:
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What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:
"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy
and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending
any more time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office
visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad
news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be
cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea
pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this
stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab
can solve this one.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your
nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a
shrink who'll split fees with me ...
"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn
something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm
off next week. |
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five surgeons:
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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on
the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are
the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers...those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer
than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate
on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head
and butt are interchangeable." |
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The Doctor:
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|A Doctor passed away and was being screened for the
destination of his soul's eternal afterlife. Unfortunately,
he'd been a bit of a lout, a quack, and greedy to boot, so
he wasn't quite certain what to expect. Upon arriving at the
Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him, and informed the
Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the
doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds
he may find the choices rather hellish. Upon opening door
#1, he witnessed fire and brimstone of truly Biblical
proportions, a horrifying sight, and quickly closed it. Upon
viewing the spectacle behind door #2, he was even more
horrified to observe various tortured souls ravaged by
plague, disease and other maladies to terrible to mention,
while an evil guard stood watch. With trepidation he opened
Door #3 to discover therein groups of white-coated male
physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young
women dressed in little more than nursing caps! He rushed
excitedly back to saint Peter and proclaimed, "I'll take
door #3!", "Oh, no, I'm afraid that's not possible,"
exclaimed Saint Peter., "That's NURSES' Hell!" |
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Circumcision:
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|Two five year old boys are sitting in a hospital waiting
room. One leans over to the other and says, "What are you in
here for?"
The other says, "Circumcision."
The first boy says "Oh, man! I had that done right after I
was born. I couldn't walk for a year!" |
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Beautiful:
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|There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from
anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his
side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and
then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his
side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he
said "You're cute!"
Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of
"beautiful" it was "cute."
She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!" |
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Cremate Me:
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|A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said,
"Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will
have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with
your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail
them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the
envelope, "Now you have everything." |
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Crazy Patients:
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|A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds
when he entered a patient's room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw
a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.
The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of
wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little
crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going
all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should
get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?" |
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Labour Pains:
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|A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby
delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had
invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the
mother's labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both
very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer
dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was
probably more pain than the father had ever experienced
before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and
asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The
doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The
husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was
amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided
to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was
obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband
encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their
porch. |
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Lethal Food:
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|A dietician was once addressing a large audience in
Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have
killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of
us realises the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and
we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product
I'm referring to?"
"You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake." |
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Mental Release:
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|A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally
seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he
might be released.
The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable
caution, decided, however, to interview him first.
"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are
considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real
life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my
former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it
was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped
put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to
work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be
less difficult and stressful."
"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.
"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is
something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up
a new generation of scientists."
"Absolutely," said the head.
"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for
books on science for the general public. Or I might even
write a novel based on my experiences in this fine
institution."
"An interesting possibility," said the head.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can
always continue to be a teakettle."
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Do You Have The Time:
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|A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly
remembers an important meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if
he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly
strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir,
but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself
upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He
pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a
carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is
vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel
ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the
stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient
calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and
turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely
3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it
is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration,
and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really
quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy
day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The
patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just
look at my watch." |
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Negotiations:
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|Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans
over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.
The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my
privates."
The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful not to
hurt each other, aren't we." |
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Medication For Life:
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|A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it
true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the
doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life? She was
told that it was. There was a moment of silence before the
woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my
condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'". |
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Old Country Delivery:
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|An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to
deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no
electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except
for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor
instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see
while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did
so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor
lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the
bottom to get him to take his first breath.
"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled
up there in the first place!!" |
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Doctor Orders A Birthday Cake:
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|For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered
a cake with this inscription:
"You are not getting older,
You are just getting better."
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said,
"Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top,
and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready
to serve the cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM." |
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Doctor And Lawyer Talk:
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|A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their
conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing
their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical
advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked
the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you
for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send
them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The
next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared
the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he
found a bill from the lawyer. |
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Four Types of Patients:
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|Some surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing
their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the
easiest to opperate on. You open them up and everything
inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to
operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in
alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open
them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're
heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and ass are
interchangable."
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Ears Put Back On:
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|A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic
surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of
a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.
The new surgeon examined him, thought a while,
and said: " Yes, I can put you right."
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out,
he goes to his hotel.
The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon,
and yells:
"You bastard, you gave me a woman's ears."
"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference
whether it is a man's or a woman's."
"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't
understand a thing!" |
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Moving To A New Office:
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|The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new
office, and
his staff was helping transport many of the items.
I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony
arm
across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive
across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people
in
the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and
explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."
The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell
you,
lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!" |
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Hole In The Fence:
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|A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane
asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting,
"Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and
looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone
inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen!
Fourteen!
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Wife And Husband Visit Doctor:
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|A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told
her, "If you don't do the following, your husband will lose
his will to live and surely die."
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off
to work in a good mood.
At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him
in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
For dinner, fix especially nice meals selected from his
favorite foods and don't burden him with household chores or
problems.
Make love with him several times a week and satisfy his
every sexual whim. On the way home, the husband asked his
wife what the doctor had told her.
She replied, "You're going to die." |
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