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red neck Jedi:
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You might be a Redneck Jedi if...
===========================================
* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of
Bud Light.
* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your
yard.
* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum
skeeters.
* Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
* You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer
so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
* You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing
or bowling.
* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over
to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense
electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
* You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your
land-speeder.
* You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke
shorts.
* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have
to get in through the window.
* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba
the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to
Chewbacca.
* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with
redwood deck.
* You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the
cantina scene.
* If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your
uncle..." |
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12 days of christmas:
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Sung to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas"
12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 pack of Redman
6 cans of spam
5 FLANNEL SHIRTS....
4 big mo tires
3 shotgun shells
2 hunting dogs
and parts to a Mustang GT... |
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red neck on the jury:
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A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get
the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck
was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He
told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could
convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to
manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict
of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house,
told him what a great job he had done and paid him the
$10,000.
The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the
rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They
all wanted to let him go. |
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Deers:
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|Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to
their pickemup truck. Another hunter approached pulling his
along too. "Hey," says the lone hunter, "I don't want to
tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's
much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite direction.
Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After the lone
hunter left, the two rednecks decided to give it a try. A
little while later one says to the other, "Ya know, that guy
was right. This is a lot easier!" "Yep," the other added,
"but we're gittin' further away from the truck...."
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Family Reunion:
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|Family Reunion
You know your a redneck if you go to a family reunion
looking for a girlfriend. |
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Redneck:
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|Clem drove his pickup alongside the road and showed his
buddy Jed where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that there tree. I remember it
plain as day. It was a warm summer day... We were madly
love... We made our way down to that the tree and made love
for hours," explained Clem.
"That sounds amazing," exclaimed Jed.
"Yep, it was goin' real well until I looked up and saw her
momma standing right there watching us..."
"Damn, what did her momma say when she saw you puttin' it to
her daughter?"
"Baaaaa..." |
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No Longer Private:
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|Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been
promoted from privates to sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey
Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."
"But we's privates," protests Jasper.
"We's sergeants now, "says Leroy, pulling him inside.
"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."
"But we's privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind, boy?" asks
Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up
to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date
you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go
look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's
okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up,
comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a
terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why did you
give me the okay sign?"
"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects
only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's
sergeants now!" |
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Some Strange Church:
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|karl was telling his buddies back on the farm about his
first visit to a big city church. "When I got there, they
made me park my old pick-up in the corral," he began.
"You mean in the parking lot," interrupted Jeb, a more
worldly fellow.
"Then I walked up the trail to the door," karl continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Jeb corrected.
"Inside the door, I was met by some dude," karl went on.
"That would be the usher," explained Jeb.
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," said karl.
"You mean the aisle," Jeb said.
"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,"
continued karl.
"Pew," retorted Jeb.
"Yeah," karl recalled. "That's exactly what the pretty lady
said when I sat down beside her."
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What does F**K Mean?:
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|thier was this kid that always got picked on at school.
everyday his friends and kids that whent to school always
said to him f**k you.well the dumb kid always was curious
about what
the word f**k means. one day he got real
sad and wanted to know what it meant,so he ran home and
rushed in the house screaming out for his father. he yelled
"pah"and then his pa came out and asked what hell you want
boy? the boy said "pah" what does f**k mean. and then his
pah said son i think its time you knew what f**k mean. pah
then yelled out "mah" get down here son want sto know what
f**k mean. mah comes down stairs pah says mah take off your
clothes and get in your posission.he turns to his son and
said son you see that pink spot on mah."uh huh"watch your
pah go to work. then the boys sister came in the door and
says what are they doin? the boy turns his head
and with a smile he says they fuckin.
sister says what does f**k mean.
WELL YOU SEE THAT BROWN SPOT ON PAH"uh huh" WATCH YOUR
BROTHER GO TO WORK. |
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KIss:
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|One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She
picked a little
boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey
kiss in his
mouth and asked,
"Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants
from your Mom
before he goes to work."
That's when a little girl at the back of the room yelled,
"Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!!"
** Shibu ** |
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How Big an old boy are you:
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| Earl was enjoying his normal Saturday afternoon
activities, (watching bass fishing, eating pork rinds, and
drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon) when his wife came storming in
the trailer.
"I want you to get up and kick this guy's ass!" she
exclaimed.
Earl, being a man of pride, jumped up and said, "What did
that bastard do to you?"
She said, "Well I was at the market and I dropped a melon,
when I went down to pick it up he looked under my dress."
Earl was fuming now!
Then he looked me in the eyes and said, "I would like to
fill you up with ice cream and eat it all up!"
Hearing this Earl immediately sat back down.
She replied, "Well aren't you gonna do something?"
Earl looked at her and said, "I'm not gonna fuck with anyone
who can eat that much ice cream." |
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Southern Terrorist Advisory Atlanta:
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|The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas,
Georgia, and
Mississippi announced today that they have made a disturbing
discovery in their states. Apparently, a small number of Al
Qaeda
terrorists have become romantically involved with local
redneck girls.
The result is not pretty and they now have the sad task of
reporting
the creation of a new sector of the human race: Islamabubbas.
So far, only a smattering of actual births have been
reported, but
Pat Robertson's Christian Coalition is hard at work trying
to isolate
and seal them off. To date, the Coalition has identified the
following
children:
Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Boudit
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Amgood Atat
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
Linda Sue Bin There Dundat
Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes they all seem to
have
sprung from one couple:
Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin.
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Timbuktu:
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|The two finalists were a Yale graduate and a redneck. The
final contest was for them to make a poem in 2 minutes
containing a word that would be given to them by the judges.
The word was "TIMBUKTU".
The Yale graduate was the first to give his poem:
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.
The audience went wild. They thought the redneck would never
stand a chance against him-a YALE graduate.
Nevertheless, the redneck stood up and gave his poem:
Me and Tim a hunting went,
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
The redneck won hands down
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Gatornecks:
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| What do tornadoes and graduates from the University of
Florida have in common?
They both end up in trailer parks. |
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Hang-Gliding:
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|Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people
hang-gliding. Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a
hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after
struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He
takes off running and reaches the edge--into the wind he
goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing
talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird
she ever seen!
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.
Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."
She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He
takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The
monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree
tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of ol' Zeek!" |
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Survivor, Texas Style:
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|A major network is planning the show "Survivor 2" this
winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas
Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through
Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to
Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso,
then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there,
they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to
Dallas.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that
reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to
confiscate your guns."
The first one to make it back to Dallas wins. |
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Redneck Inventor's Club:
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|Picture yourself in the middle of the Boonies with no
water. What do you do? You reach in your back pocket and
pull out a packet of powdered water. Yes, powdered water.
Just add water and your powdered water becomes crystal clear
drinking water. Only $29.95. Makes a great gift.
What if one night the power in your hose goes off and there
is no light at all. You stumble around looking for a
flashlight and when you finally find one there's no
batteries. What do you do? Throw that flashlight away and
buy yourself one of our very own solar powered flashlights.
No batteries required, works great! Only $56.69. Everybody
should own one.
Do you like canoeing? I know I do, but sometimes I just wish
I could go a little faster. Well now I can. Thanks to Ric,
my canoe has speed holes in it adn I go a lot faster. Only
$3.25 per hole. Thanks Ric.
Let me tell you a story, one day I was flying my helicopter
and my stablizer went out. I tried to gain control of it but
I was going down too fast. Now in any other helicopter you
would crash, but not mine. Thanks to Ric, I bought my
helicopter with an ejection seat so before I crashed I just
pushed a button and up I flew. Only $2,129.99.
Do you like to spy on your neighbors? Shame on you. But if
you do, you can't afford to pass-off this offer. Why for
only $45.99 you can own a window with a built in peep hole.
This way you can see them, but they can't see you.
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A Redneck's Letter to His Mother:
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|Dear Mull,
I am rightin' this here letter slow as I know ya cain't read
fast. Me and my wife and the kids and 6 dogs went and moved
last week. I took the house numbers with us so we don't have
to do one of them there address changes. I got me a good job
here. I finally got to be a pilot. I work for Daniel's Tree
Service. They cut the wood and I pilot. Things here are
about the same.
We took Grandma to the doctor so she could get Grandpa some
of them Viagra pills. She slipped them into his coffee so he
wouldn't know. He went crazy. He grabbed her and ripped her
clothes off right there in front of all us. He throwed
everything off the table and kept taking her over and over
again. Grandma said the sex was great but she is upset that
the people at McDonalds said we couldn't come back no more.
I went whorse back riddin' the other day. I'm lucky to be
alive. That whorse took off and I almost fell off. I was
hangin' on for my life and screamin' my head off. I don't
know what I'd done if that manager from K-Mart hadn't come
out and unplugged it.
Right back soon and remember we love ya. XXXXXXXXX
Yer Sun - Brandon
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A driving application:
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|Redneck Driver's Application
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.
Last name: ________________
First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop
Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know |
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A redneck gets shot:
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|At the police station, Bubba explained to the police
officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking,
when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der
ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said,
'Sure, I'm game.'" |
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A redneck oil change:
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|The Redneck Oil Change Checklist
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50
dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and
scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of
taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back
yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in
process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it
off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change
tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath
car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of
clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of
fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss and complain.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil
spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the
influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.
Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to
match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
Total: $1337 |
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Rednecks go fishing:
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|Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the
equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the
rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they
spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch
anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on
the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the
last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy
turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one
lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't
catch any more!"
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Rednecks flying home:
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|Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far
north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their
venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as
arranged to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including
the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can
take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two
behind."
One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot
let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same
weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We
want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.
Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six
elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But
when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley,
the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the
wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other,
"Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this
is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last
year!" |
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Redneck been here?:
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|Ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in
them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been
Working On A Computer...
The mouse is referred to as a "critter". |
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The redneck truckers:
|
|Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a
"Team" truck driving job. The personnel manager decided,
after talking to them both that they weren't the sharpest
knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them
separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he
completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he
interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual
transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.
The personnel manager next interview them together. He
presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke,
lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is
driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are
going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds
of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out
and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing
you'd do ?
About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of
a sudden Luke spoke up.
"I know, I know, I know the first thing I'd do". The
personnel manager says "yes Luke, what is the first thing
you'd do?" Luke says, "I'd wake Zek up." The personnel
manager replies, "WHAT ! "Why would wake Zek up ?"
Coos, says Luke, "He ain't never seen no big accident
before!" |
|
|
Hick computer terms:
|
|Redneck computer terms
Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Getting' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for
that new rifle when your wife asks. |
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Redneck wants to fight:
|
|There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the
river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated
Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to
throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for
years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a
bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife
that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over
and whip Clarence.
He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His
wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the
bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had
really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size
until he started over the bridge and saw the sign:
"CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN" |
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|
A Rednecks Technical Glossary to a computer:
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|Redneck computer terms
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the
woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
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Rednecks Are Smart:
|
|"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He
is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes,
they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas Buddy." |
|
|
Last Words:
|
|A redneck and a Frenchman were caught in Kentucky for
making and selling bad moonshine. The law decided to hang
them off the middle of the Ohio Bridge. They tied the rope
around the Frenchman's neck and said, "Do you have any last
words?"
He said, "No."
They threw him off the bridge, but the rope was too long. He
removed the rope from his neck and swam to the Ohio side of
the river.
Then they tied the same rope around the redneck's neck and
said, "Do you have any last words to say?"
He said, "Yes, shorten up that rope boys 'cause I can't
swim." |
|
|
Rednecks Rule Because...:
|
| 1. Dinner can always be found on the side of the road.
2. Their belt buckles are considered valid I.D.!
3. With a little corn and water they can distill enough
moonshine to quench any dry town!
4. They can spit with absolute accuracy.
5. Nothing compares to the luxury and freedom of a mobile
home.
6. Bluejeans and a flannel are always considered formal.
7. At least that rusty Pick-up's bought and paid for.
8. A mayonnaise jar doubles as a handy thermos.
9. A baseball cap is considered a fine substitute for
combing your hair.
10. Tractor pulls and auto races serve as a fine meeting
place for family reunions
|
|
|
Selling Whiskey:
|
|A redneck was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey.
His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look
carefully at his client.
"Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the
lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you
sit there in the jury box and honestly believe that if my
client had ANY whiskey he would sell it?" |
|
|
Chili Testing:
|
|Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who
was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding
Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili
cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the
original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the
chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two
beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what
I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had
to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on
my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
shit-faced.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind
me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look
HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my
eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. @#ck those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with
a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in
a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note
that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in
a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a @?%#ing grenade in my mouth, pull the
$#@!ing pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the
sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my f#$%ing mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like s#i$ to match my &*%damn shirt. At least during
the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing, it's too painful. $@ck it, I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the !@#$ing 4inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili,
safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,
neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost
when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili
pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to
report) |
|
|
Redneck Logic:
|
|Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in
life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The
first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take
math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you
own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,"
replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since
you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a
wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was
catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that
you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin'
thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him,
walked back into the hallway where his friend was still
waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin' ?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked
the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?" |
|
|
Never Go Hunting with a Redneck:
|
|Two men from West Virginia went hunting. They were named
Billy and Jimmy. Billy said to Jimmy, "Shoot at any deer
that moves."
They both went to different tree stands. Well, Billy forgot
his smokes and went to ask Jimmy for a cigarette. When Billy
started going over to Jimmy, Jimmy shot him.
Jimmy took him to the hospital and the doctor comes out.
Jimmy asks, "Will he be O.K. Doc?"
The doctor said, "Sure, if you hadn't field dressed him in
the woods." |
|
|
The Redneck at the Whorehouse:
|
|A redneck has five bucks and is horny, so he thinks to
himself, "Maybe I'll go to that whorehouse I've been hearin'
so much 'bout." The redneck walks in, approaches a very
burlesque, good-looking woman and says, "I've got 5 bucks,
give me your best."
The man is immediately escorted to a room with a mirror, a
couch, and a chicken in the corner. The woman shuts the
door. The man reluctantly takes the chicken and finishes his
business. He then realized that that was the best sex he'd
ever had.
The following week, the man brings $10 of his hard earned
money, and offers it to the woman. He is the whisked off in
to a small room with a few benches and a double sided
mirror. The small room quickly fills with men and women
alike.
Two women walk into the room that the people are viewing.
The two lesbians then proceed to make love on the table.
The redneck nudges the man next to him and exclaims, "Damn,
for 10 bucks, this is damn good." The man then chuckles and
says, "You should have been here last week, we had a man
screwing a chicken." |
|
|
Lunch Time:
|
|An Irishman, a Italian and a redneck were doing
construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building.
They were eating lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and
cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for
lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Italian opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Pasta
again! If I get pasta one more time, I'm going to jump off
too."
The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I
get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef
and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Italian opens his
lunch, sees pasta and jumps too. The redneck opens his
lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says,
"If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and
cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Italian's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given
him linguini or mastacholi! I didn't realize he hated pasta
so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey,
don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch." |
|
|
Things Rednecks Will Never Say:
|
|# I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
# Duct tape won't fix that.
# Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family
sedan.
# Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
# We don't keep firearms in this house.
# Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
# You can't feed that to the dog.
# I thought Graceland was tacky.
# No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
# Wrestling's fake.
# Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
# We're vegetarians.
# Do you think my gut is too big?
# I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and
gravy.
# Honey, we don't need another dog.
# Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?
# Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
# Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
# Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
# I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
# Checkmate.
# She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
# Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
# Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
# I don't have a favorite college team.
# Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
# You ALL.
# Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
# Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight. |
|
|
Redneck Vasectomy:
|
|After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided
that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide)
So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules)
and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have
any more children. The doctor told him that there was a
procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb
(fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer
can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The
Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest
man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me -- I don't want to go
deaf!"
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The
Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the
procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were
from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home
and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can,
hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the
man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3,
4, 5 . . .", at which point he paused, placed the beer can
between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand . .
. |
|
|
The Redneck Love Poem:
|
|Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
You spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl
sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day
From the cooler at Kroger. That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
More useful than diamonds......IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!! |
|
|
The Farmer's Dayvorce:
|
|The farmer went into a lawyer's office and said, "I want
one of them there dayvorces."
The lawyer said, "Do you have grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I have 140 acres."
The lawyer said, "No you don't understand. Do you have a
case?"
The farmer said, "No, I have a John Deere."
The lawyer said, "You still don't understand. Do you have a
grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yes, that's what I park my John Deere
under every night."
The lawyer said, "You still don't understand. Do you have a
suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I wear it to church every Sunday."
The lawyer said, "Does she beat you up?"
The farmer said, "No, we both get up about 4:30 every
morning."
The lawyer said, "Is she a nagger?"
The farmer said, "No, she's a little ol' white gal, but the
last youngen' she had was a nagger. That's why I want a
dayvorce." |
|
|
Redneck in the Ghetto:
|
|There may be a redneck in the ghetto if . . .
. . . somebody says, "Yo man" and he says, "Yo mama."
. . . someone says Ho, he starts looking for cotton the
chop.
. . . he thinks he can leave his rifle mounted in the back
of his parked pickup truck overnight.
. . . girls walking the streets ask him for a date, and he
feels this is his lucky day.
. . . he hears a guy standing on the street saying, "Crack,
Crack, Crack," and he pulls up his bluejeans.
. . . he thinks greens is something you play golf on.
. . . his wife tells him she is being blackmailed and he
wants to know what dude she is having an affair with.
. . . he thinks it would be funny to go out as a ghost on
Halloween, and run around the ghetto with a white sheet over
his head.
. . . someone asks him for a forty, and he gives them two
twenty dollar bills.
. . . he walks up to the local basketball court and says,
"You BOYS are making to much noise." |
|
|
The 911 Call:
|
|Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.
The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out
right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if
I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up there?" |
|
|
Letter From Home:
|
|Dear Son,
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read
fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read
in the
Newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from
your home,
So we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because
the last
Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when
they
Moved so that they would not have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure
It works so well though. Last week I put a load in and
pulled the chain
And haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week;
the first time
For three days and the second time for four days.
About the coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley
said it
Would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on,
so we cut
Them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really
worried
Because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out
what it
Is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The
baby looks
Just like your brother….
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to
pull
Him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We
had him
Cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.
Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to
safety
Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned
because
They couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has
happened
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but
The envelope was already sealed . |
|
|
A Sex Test for Rednecks:
|
| 1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False
2. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False
3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False
5. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False
6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False
7. Semen is a term for sailors. True or False
8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False
9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False
10. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False
11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False
12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False
13. Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False
14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False
16. A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False
17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. True or False
20. An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or
False
22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. True or
False
23. Pornography is the business of making records. True or
False
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False
25. Douche is the French word for "twelve." True or False |
|
|
Counterfeiting in Dixie:
|
|A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off
his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Texas town.
So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the
store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind
the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then
smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2
nines or 3 sixes?" |
|
|
A Redneck Zoo:
|
|What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck
zoo?
On the cage in a Yankee zoo, it will have the name of the
animal and the scientific name in Latin.
A Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a
recipe. |
|
|
A Redneck Christmas:
|
|In a small Texas town there was a "Nativity Scene" that
showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But
one small feature bothered me: the three wise men were
wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a
reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady
behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a
rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never read your
Bibles!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall
anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and riffled
through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a
passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says
right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'" |
|
|
Redneck Medical Terms:
|
|Artery The study of paintings.
Bacteria Back door to cafeteria.
Barium What doctors do when patients die.
Benign What you be after you be eight.
Catscan Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize Made eye contact with her.
Cesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome.
Colic A sheep dog.
Coma A punctuation mark.
D&C Where Washington is.
Dilate To live long.
Enema Not a friend.
Fester Quicker than someone else.
Fibula A small lie.
Genital Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail What you hang your coat on.
Impotent Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff A Doctor's cane.
Morbid A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates Cheaper than day rates.
Node I knew it.
Outpatient A person who has fainted.
Ovaries You get to try again. (from wj1001250)
Pap Smear A fatherhood test.
Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative A letter carrier.
Recovery Room Place to do upholstery.
Rectum Pretty near killed him.
Secretion Hiding something.
Seizure Roman emperor.
Tablet A small table.
Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor More than one.
Urine Opposite of you're out.
Varicose Near by/close by. |
|
|
Personal Hygiene for Rednecks:
|
|# Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a
hand-me-down item.
# If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the
sheets.
# While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job
that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
# Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A
cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can
accomplish the same goal and save hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when
using this method.
|
|
|
Driving Etiquette for Rednecks:
|
|# Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the
gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
# When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the
largest tires always has the right of way.
# Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
# When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
# Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially
when driving.
# Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids
can fit in.
# Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
|
|
|
Driving Etiquette for Rednecks:
|
|# Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the
gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
# When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the
largest tires always has the right of way.
# Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
# When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
# Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially
when driving.
# Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids
can fit in.
# Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. |
|
|
Winders '98:
|
|It has come to our attention that a few copies of the
Alabama edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been
shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama
editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the
opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background
picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate
flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.
Also note:
the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 Wheel Drive
floppies are them little ol' plactic disc thangs.
Other features:
Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a
garbage bag and duct tape.
* OK ats aww-right
* cancel hail no
* reset awa shoot
* yes shore
* no Naaaa
* find hunt-fer it
* go to over yonder
* back back yonder
* help hep me out here
* stop ternit off
* start crank it up
* settings sittins
* programs stuff at does stuff
* documents stuff I done done
Also note that Winders 98 does not recognize capital letters
or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to
winders 98:
* tiperiter A word processor
* colering book a graphics program
* addin mershene calculator
* outhouse paper notepad
* jupe-box CD Player
* iner-net Microsoft Explorer
* pichers A graphics viewer
* IRS M/S accounting software
* IRS2 M/S accounting software with hidden files
* coon dog American kennel club records
* fishin Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records
* NRA National Rifle Association
* shot gun Remington Arms price list
* riffel Winchester price list
* pisstel Smith and Wesson price list
* truck Ford and Chevrolet dealers in AL by zip code
* house Nearest Mobile home repair service by zip code
* car same as truck just need two, list in Alabama
* cuzzins family history (usually a 3 meg file)
* tax records usually an empty file
* shells ammunition inventory (another 3 meg file)
* bud list of Budwiser dealers by zip code
* rasin NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV stations
that carry the race
* car 'n truck parts nearest junk yard by zip code
* doc veterinarians by zip code
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you
received a copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to
Microsoft for a replacement copy.
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You might be a Redneck Jedi if ....:
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|ou Might Be A Redneck Jedi If . . .
* . . . you use your lightsaber to cut the bottlecap off a
beer.
* . . . you say "these are not the beers you are looking
for."
* . . . that "disturbance in the Force" was just last
night's baked beans.
* . . . the inside of your house looks more like Dagobah
than the outside.
* . . . you call your young apprentice, "Juner.(JR.)"
* . . . you have ever used telekinesis to pull your jeans
up.
* . . . the Force isn't the only thing that runs in your
family.
* . . . you call Hank Williams Jr. "master".
* . . . your landspeeder has a gun rack.
* . . . you meditate to old CCR records.
* . . . you call Yoda your Li'l green buddy.
* . . . you have ever said,
"Anger...Fear...Aggression...Yankees...the dark side are
they."
* . . . your X-Wing has a still in it.
* . . . your lightsaber has a beer can crusher in the base.
* . . . there is more oil in your robes than in your
astromech droid.
* . . . your robes have the Golden Flour label on them.
* . . . you trim your beard and find a Mylock.
* . . . you have ever used a lightsaber to light the
barbecue grill.
* . . . you use Jawas for a drink holders.
* . . . you fight with a lightsaber in one hand and a spit
cup in the other.
* . . . you use a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck.
* . . . you use your Jedi healing powers to clear up your
V.D.
* . . . you think the best use of your lightsaber is picking
your teeth.
* . . . you ever lost a hand during a lightsaber fight
because you had to spit.
* . . . your Jedi robe is camouflage colored.
* . . . at least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
* . . . you can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
* . . . you can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda
talks.
* . . . you think Stormtroopers are just KKK members with
really good sheets.
* . . . you have ever used the Force in conjunction with
fishing / bowling.
* . . . your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come
on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
* . . . you have ever had your R2 unit use its arc welding
torch to get the barbecue grill to light.
* . . . you jump-start your lightsaber off a car battery.
* . . . you beat the Gammorean Guard in an "ugly" contest.
* . . . your father's name is Garth Vader.
* . . . you got your lightsaber by sending in 750 Skoal
Lids.
* . . . you have ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin' at your
sister.
* . . . you constantly mistake R2 units for beer kegs.
* . . . you count B.O. as a Jedi power.
* . . . you have ever used a lightsaber to skin a deer. |
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|
Rednecks play Powerball too:
|
|A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to
Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give
you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out
for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I
won it and I want it."
Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that
day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I
want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million
right now, then I want my dollar back!" |
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10 Ways to tell if a Redneck has been working on
a PC
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| * 10. The monitor is up on blocks.
* 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
* 8. The six front keys have rotted out.
* 7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.
* 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
* 5. The password is "Bubba".
* 4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
* 3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).
* 2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working
on a computer is...
* 1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter". |
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|
Toilet Paper Differences:
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|A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping.
She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager,
"but can you explain the differences in all these toilet
papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand,
"this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a
bunny,
strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her,
"We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per
roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and
says,
"Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper.
I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off
anybody!" |
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Potato Garden:
|
|An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his
potato garden, but
it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help
him, was in
prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described
his
predicament.
Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be
able to plant my
potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden
plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I
know you would dig
the plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's
where I buried the
BODIES.
Love Bubba
At 4A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police
showed up and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They
apologized to the old
man and left. That same day the old man received another
letter from his
son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could
do under the
circumstances.
Love, Bubba |
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Learn Redneck Chinese in 5 minutes:
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| 1) That is not
right......................................Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?....................Hu Yu
Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP........................................Kum
Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man.............................................Dum
Fuk
5) Small
Horse............................................Tai Ni Po
Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?.........................Wai Yu
So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table.....................Ai Bang
Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift........................Chin
Tu Fat
9) It is very dark in here...............................Wao
So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet...................Wai Yu
Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone........................No Pah
King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week..Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight...............................Lei
Ying Lo
14) He is cleaning his automobile................Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive...................Yu Stin Ki
Pu
16)
Great..................................................Fa
Kin Su Pah |
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Indian, a cowboy, and a black:
|
|There's an Indian, a cowboy, and a black in a bar. T
he Indian says to the black "once we were many now we are
few".
The black says, "once we were few now we are many".
Then the cowboy says "well, we aint played cowboy and nigger
yet". |
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A Redneck Computer Geek:
|
|# You might be a redneck addicted to the world of computers
if.......
# If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2
x 8's and cinderblocks.
# Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin'
organization.
# Someone tells ya they're "locked up" and ya ask if they
need bail money.
# Ya've ever been too drunk to chat.
# Yer screen saver is a confederate flag and plays dixie.
# Ya think a harddrive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's.
# Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.
# Ya think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea.
# Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won't pick up
police radio calls.
# Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
# Ya have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
# Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.
# Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into
the recyclin' bin.
# Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.
# Ya try to figure out how yer floppy disk got hard.
# Ya play frisbee with yer CD Rom's.
# Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer "A Drive"
yelling 'Give it back! Give it Back'.
# When birds fly across yer screen an ya reach for yer
shotgun.
# Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk. Yer yards full of ol'
computers stacked on cinder blocks.
# Ya use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
# Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer
e-mail.
# When ya tern yer computer on ya say, "Come OOOOOOON
Betsy."
# Ya think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.
# Ya think 64 M RAM is a nu big block engine fer yer pickup.
# Ya think ICQ is how smert yer computer is.
# Someone tellz ya yer computer has a bug an ya reach for
the can of Raid.
# Ya think a mouse pad iz where Mighty Mouse and his cousins
hang.
# Ya go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
# Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.
# Ya give derections to a website that include a person,
animal, or old barn.
# Ya think MB stands for "More Beer."
# Ya wait fer the bluelight special at K-Mart ta buy yer
puter.
# Ya see the word Download, and take the shells out of yer
shotgun.
# Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz
the letters aint in order.
# Ya think pushing the delete key will make yer ol' lady
disappear.
# Ya think CD stands for Cow Dung.
# Ya think IBM stands for "Idn't Betsy Marvelous."
# Ya think GIF stands fer "Goodie It's Free."
# Ya think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.
# Ya see the "shift" key and try ta figure out how ta change
gears.
# Ya put a quilt over yer screen when a make whoopee to yer
ol' lady.
# Ya wonder why yer screen saver ain't wearing a cape like
that there superhero on the cartoons. Ya think screen saver
is a new flavor o' candy.
# Ya think Geocities is a place ta buy lil cars.
# Ya catch yerself tryin' to smell the lil flower on yer ICQ
contact list.
# Ya think the "A drive" is where ya park yer pickup.
# Ya see the werd "Zip" and know why youz feelin' a draft.
# Yer puter has a bumper sticker on it.
# Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape.
# Ya sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler fer
another beer.
# Yer in a chat room and someone asks where yer from and you
reply, "My momma."
# You sees the word "Website" and start looking for spiders.
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The Best Little Whorehouse In Canada:
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